… sang James Hetfield some 11/12 years! Although I’ve stolen these lyrics from a song called The Unnamed Feeling, it pretty much summed up how I felt in the waiting room yesterday waiting to see my consultant.
My consultant was running about an hour late and that extra hour of waiting was probably the most agonising wait I’ve ever had to endure. I’ve had 9 PET scans in total over the last 2 years so I should be use to it, but the truth is, the more I have, the more anxious I get. Each scan seems to be more and more important.
In that hour, so much went through my mind. I was kind of aware that it was manically busy but in my mind, I managed to conjure up a different scenario. For example, I saw my stem cell nurse who has spent a good couple of years looking after me dashing from one place to another. She didn’t make eye contact with me or say hello like she normally would and she just looked so serious. Instead of seeing that she was incredibly busy, I read that to be that something was wrong with my results and she couldn’t look me in the eye. It’s completely irrational but at the time, in my mind, it made sense.
When I was finally called in, I was a wreck, I felt sick and I knew the moment I stepped into the office my consultant could see that. I was sat in a chair opposite her hunched over with my shoulders slumped as if I had a tonne of weight on them. That weight lifted completely when she told me, “the scan was good, it’s all clear”. The moment she said that, I sat up as if that weight had fallen off and I couldn’t stop smiling. I wanted to jumped up and do the Snoopy dance and punch the air and now I think of it, I’m not sure why I didn’t! Instead, in my head, I was screaming..
I’M STILL IN REMISSION! F**k CANCER!!!
I’m still screaming it silently as it happens!!
At the moment, life is good! My hair has grown a lot more, I just need to get my arse back to work having been off a few weeks and hope that my kidney function has improved. Results are die back today.
Love to you all!